This is not going to be a happy blog....

Last night, was not a good night.
Laying there....trying to go to sleep...
I don't know how I start on the subject..
but i come to realize,
i don't remember how often my mom showered, what time of day she showered, or if she got dressed in the bathroom or wore a towel to her room and dressed there.
this kills me.
such and ordinary common thing that you never really think about, but i cannot for the life of me remember.
i can't remember how my mom's voice sounds, what her spaghetti sauce tasted like, how she stored her makeup, how often she wore her contacts, or the weight of her hugging me.
i can remember concrete facts, and events, but i cannot remember the details.
when i think of, or picture my mom, it feels truly like i have conjured up images of a stranger someone has told me about, that she was never my mom and that was never my life.
i know it's my fault i can't remember, since she died i have been on a constant quest to distract myself because it hurts to much to think about her front and center in my mind, there is to much to think about, and i cannot breath, and i would never have time to live because i would always be bawling my eyes out.
people believe that i am strong, and i know that i am, but the truth is i am not as strong as everyone thinks, i am just a coward, i have not dealt with the deaths, i have not made peace with them. Endlessly i distract myself and wait for that final breakdown when i just drop dead from realization. i know an emotional breakdown in the future is about as sure as taxes. i know it will happen.
people always say things like "oh i don't really have a crush on anyone right now" and things like that, and i'm notorious for wanting a different guy each week, because truth is, i have to have someone to like, to invest my thoughts on, even if he is just some guy.
I can't stay single/not wear my heart on the edge of my sleeve because if i do not have anyone to think about as i fall asleep and make up impossible scenarios that never happen, i will think of my parents, and than i would never get any sleep.
it's easier this way, but it's screwing me over.
i think about my parents all the time, and i remember things sometimes, but i lose alot more than i remember. i hate myself for this. and i am so broken hearted, i'm not even sure that i still have a heart, spiritually speaking.
sometimes i get her voice back in dreams, but i haven't dremt of her in months, and in my dreams i always know things aren't right if she is there, because she is supposed to be dead, and i can never just be happy to see her.
i just...i don't want people to forget what i have been through, when people look at me i want them to know who i am, and know that everyday is a struggle, and every time i smile, i am still broken. never think i'm repaired...i'm not.
so yeah. just needed to type that out, get if off my chest.
appreciate your parents. please.